From our editorial team, we wanted to explore emotions and how they play tricks on their protagonists, whether in a work environment or in the personal sphere. Controlling and properly managing emotions is so important that, for the purposes of today’s topic, we’ll focus on the relationship or breakup of a couple. We’ll also explore how toxic, tension-filled environments develop, ultimately affecting productivity, but no less importantly, generating stress and anguish in the person at the center of a misunderstanding or even a conflict.
Science says that to avoid hurt feelings and maintain good relationships, you should always explain why.
That’s a very sound idea and, in general, an excellent principle of social psychology and effective communication.
However, as with almost everything in human interactions, the word «always» has important nuances.
Let’s analyze what science says and why, and then look at the exceptions.
The Scientific Basis: Why is explaining «why» so powerful?
Science, especially psychology and communication theory, strongly supports the idea of explaining our reasons.
This is due to several fundamental principles of the human brain and social relationships:
– Reduces uncertainty and anxiety: The human brain hates information gaps. When someone says «no» to us or cancels a plan without a reason, our mind tends to fill that gap with the worst possible assumptions: «They don’t care about me,» «I did something wrong,» «They’re mad at me.» An explanation, even a simple one, closes that door to negative speculation.
– Activates empathy: By explaining the «why,» you invite the other person to see the situation from your perspective. If you say «I can’t come to your party,» it sounds like rejection. If you say «I can’t come to your party because my mother is sick and I have to take care of her,» the other person can empathize with your situation, and rejection transforms into understanding.
– Demonstrates respect and appreciation: Taking the time to explain is a sign that you value the person and the relationship. It implies that you don’t take your decisions lightly and that you care about how the other person feels. It’s the opposite of brusque or indifferent treatment.
– Builds trust and transparency: Healthy relationships are built on trust. Being transparent about your reasons (within reason) builds a history of honesty that strengthens long-term bonds.
– Provides closure: In more serious situations, like a breakup or the end of a friendship, the «why» is crucial so the other person can process what happened and move on, rather than remain stuck in confusion and pain.
– Important nuances: When is it better NOT to explain the «why» (or to do so carefully)?
The rule isn’t absolute. Emotional intelligence lies in knowing when and how to apply this principle.
There are situations where explaining why can be counterproductive or even harmful:
– When the reason is inherently hurtful and not constructive: If the reason for not wanting a second date is «I’m not physically attracted to you,» saying it so bluntly is cruel and unnecessary. In these cases, it’s better to use a more general and kind explanation: «I had a good time, but I didn’t feel the connection I’m looking for.» Honesty shouldn’t be a weapon.
– When the explanation invites a debate you don’t want to have: Sometimes, giving a specific reason gives the other person something to try to «fix» or refute. For example, if you say «I can’t lend you money because I’m saving for a car,» the person might respond, «But you can buy it next month! I’ll pay you back sooner!» In this case, a firmer, less detailed response like «I’m sorry, but my finances don’t allow it right now» is better because it sets a clear boundary.
– For protection and safety: In relationships with manipulative, controlling, or abusive people, explaining the «why» can give them ammunition to use against you. In these cases, a firm, no-explanation refusal (the «gray stone» technique) is the safest strategy. You don’t owe them an explanation.
– When the reason is too personal or private: You have no obligation to share intimate details about your health, family, or finances if you don’t feel comfortable. A simple «It’s a personal matter that I’d rather not share» is a valid and respectful response.
Conclusion: Balance is the key
Science doesn’t say you always have to explain everything in great detail. What it does tell us is that the human need for understanding is fundamental to maintaining good relationships.
Therefore, the golden rule would be: Always offer a reason, unless doing so would be unnecessarily cruel, put you at risk, or violate your own privacy. The key is to be honest but kind, and to adapt the level of detail to the context and the relationship you have with the other person.
True emotional intelligence isn’t about blindly following a rule, but about knowing when and how to apply it to achieve the ultimate goal: nurturing the relationship and respecting both the other person’s feelings and your own.
Always explain why correctly
The following contribution is from INC.com, one of the most prestigious sites for American SMEs to stay well-informed on the latest developments in leadership, NT, personal growth, marketing, etc.
The author is Jeff Haden, a featured speaker and writer, as well as one of LinkedIn’s Top Voices, a contributing editor for Inc., and the author of The Motivation Myth: How High Achievers Really Set Themselves Up to Win.
Need to say no? Science says that to avoid hurt feelings and maintain good relationships, always explain why (the right way).
Also, a bonus tip: How to say no to yourself and make it stick.
Sometimes, you just have to say «no.»
In fact, you should say no much more often. As Warren Buffett says, «The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.»
The late Steve Jobs agreed. «People think that focusing means saying yes to what you need to focus on,» Jobs said, which «means saying no to the other hundred good ideas.»
But saying no can come at a price.
Saying no to a friend’s invitation could hurt their feelings. Saying no to an employee could damage their engagement.
Saying no to a long-time client might make them consider looking elsewhere.
However justified, saying no can often negatively impact a relationship.
Unless you say no the right way.
Never mention time. But first, the wrong way to say no.
According to a study published in the Journal of Consumer Psychology in 2021, saying, in effect, «I don’t have time» when declining an invitation or request can make the person you’re rejecting feel undervalued and annoyed, which negatively impacts the relationship.
Time excuses are considered less valid. Less justified. Simply put, you have the time; you just don’t want to give it to me.
Let’s say you invite me to a seminar (I get those kinds of requests at least once a week). If I reply, «Sorry, but I won’t be able to attend,» it clearly means I’m choosing to do something else.
Sure, it’s always like this: not doing one thing automatically means doing something else.
But without additional context? Researchers found that people consider time to be subject to personal control.
Which, of course, is true. I have time, but I don’t want to give it to you. I’m clearly choosing something else instead of your seminar.
Which, again, while justified, is a problem.
Let’s imagine a friend invites you to an event. A colleague invites you to lunch. A client, a supplier, or someone you know, either professionally or personally, makes a request or asks for a favor.
Researchers found that, regardless of the reason, declining invitations or requests due to lack of time reflects how you view the relationship.
That is, if you don’t have the time, if you’re not willing to put in the time, you shouldn’t value the relationship. But mentioning money is fine.
Interestingly, researchers found that using money as an excuse to decline an invitation doesn’t provoke the same reaction.
If you invite me to a concert and I tell you I don’t have any money, you’re unlikely to get upset.
Perhaps it’s because money is considered less controllable than time.
Perhaps it’s also because my answer puts me in a vulnerable position: no one likes to admit that their funds are limited, although at some point, everyone’s funds are limited.
Why «interestingly»? Because time is also a finite resource.
Time is more finite than money. With intelligent effort, I can earn more money. But I can’t earn more time.
Financial excuses can also be implicit.
If you decline an invitation because you have to work, the financial reason is implicit. If you decline an extra job, the financial reason is implicit.
While you can decline an offer because you can’t afford it, you can also say no because you’re trying to make money.
The key is to provide a broader context.
Always say why.
«Yes» is a complete sentence. «No» is not.
When you decline a request, provide a little more information. Definitely don’t say you don’t have time. And don’t just say you’re too busy.
Add context. Add details. Explain why.
Maybe you’re trying to meet a tight deadline.
Maybe you’re trying to finish a huge project.
Maybe you’re working longer hours because you’re short-staffed.
Maybe you’ve already reserved that time for another purpose.
Ask me to attend your seminar, and I might borrow a few words from Wharton organizational psychologist Adam Grant: «Thanks for inviting me, but I’m writing a new book and my schedule is full.» Sure, that’s an excuse for not having time, but it’s also a valid one.
Your Personal Policy
Another approach is to explain that saying no stems from a personal policy.
For example, I don’t post reviews of new books on LinkedIn. I no longer write forewords or introductions for other people’s books. I don’t talk for free.
When asked, I say no and explain that I’m not turning them away, but rather maintaining a boundary I’ve set for myself.
Does that approach ensure no one gets upset? No. Those who get upset are always people I don’t know and who aren’t interested in building a mutually beneficial relationship.
But it does help someone I know understand why they might have to decline their invitation or request.
As with almost everything related to relationships, understanding the why makes all the difference.
Even if that relationship is with yourself.
How to Say No to Yourself
In a study published in the Journal of Consumer Research in 2012, researchers created two groups. One group was presented with a simple temptation and asked to say, when confronted with it, «I can’t [do that].» The other group was asked to say, «I don’t [do that].»
Here’s what happened:
Participants who were asked to say «I can’t» gave in to the temptation 61% of the time.
Participants who were asked to say «I don’t want to» gave in 36% of the time.
The researchers then divided the participants into three groups and asked them to set a long-term health and wellness goal.
When their motivation inevitably faltered, one group was asked to say, «I can’t miss my workout.»
Another group was asked to say, «I don’t miss workouts.» The control group was not provided with a strategy to avoid temptation.
Ten days later, these were the results:
One of the 10 members of the «I can’t» group remained steadfast in their goal.
Three of the 10 members of the control group remained steadfast in their goal. Eight of the ten members of the «I don’t want» group remained true to their goal.
Saying «I don’t want» was extremely effective. But saying «I can’t» was less effective than saying nothing.
Why? According to the researchers: «The ‘I don’t want’ rejection frame is more persuasive than the ‘I can’t’ rejection frame because the former connotes greater conviction. This perceived conviction mediates the influence of the rejection frame on persuasion.»
Personalization
In other words, «I can’t» opens the door to negotiation. I want that ice cream (my personal long-term Achilles’ heel), but I can’t.
Although, maybe I could. I could skip breakfast tomorrow (although I won’t). I could take an extra bike ride to burn calories (although I won’t).
Given enough time, I can turn «I can’t» into «Yes, I can.»
That’s much less likely to happen when you say «I don’t want to.» «I don’t want to» is forceful.
Definitely. There’s no choice. There’s no negotiation.
«I won’t miss workouts» is much more forceful than «I can’t miss my workout today.»
«I won’t offer discounts» is much more forceful than «I can’t give you a discount.»
«I won’t relax my standards» is much more forceful than «I can’t skimp on this task.»
«I can’t» opens the door to discussion and compromise. «I won’t» doesn’t.
«I won’t» also works when you decline requests from others. I don’t eat dinner after 7 p.m. because I’ll feel bloated and won’t be able to sleep well.
I don’t do high-impact workouts because my knees can’t take the pounding.
I don’t mentor aspiring real estate investors because they inevitably want more time than I can give them.
Many people hear «I can’t» and automatically think, «Okay, but under what circumstances could you do what I’m asking?»
They immediately try to turn no into maybe, and maybe into yes. Before you know it, being a good person, you end up saying yes.
So simply say «I can’t,» both to yourself and, when appropriate, to others.
6 Healthy Relationship Habits That Most People Consider Toxic
The following post is from the website of MARK MANSON, the author of «The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck,» a three-time number one on the New York Times bestseller list, among other titles. His books have sold nearly 20 million copies, have been translated into more than 65 languages, and have reached number one in more than a dozen countries. In 2023, Universal Pictures will release a film about his life and ideas worldwide.
Written by Mark Manson
A while back, I wrote a post titled 6 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship.
In the months since its publication, the article has generated tons of comments, and it’s clearly struck a chord when large adult websites, who get paid to post witty comments, ask if they can copy and paste it, supposedly so they can make tons of advertising money off of people behaving inappropriately in their comments sections.
(I know, I’m a sellout.)
But I think it’s helped a lot of people. Since I wrote it, I’ve received an astonishing number of thank-you emails, and about two dozen people have told me it’s inspired them to end a relationship (or even, in some cases, a marriage).
It seems to have served as a kind of wake-up call to finally let go and accept that, sometimes, relationships can be messed up.
(So, I guess I am a homewrecker and a sellout. Nice!)
But along with the praise, I also received a ton of questions like:
«So, if these habits ruin a relationship, what habits create a happy, healthy one?»
– «Where’s an article about what makes a relationship great?» and «Mark, how did you get so cute?»
These are important questions. And they deserve ans
