Learn to give and receive advice about friendship, family, and work.
The following contribution is from the BetterUp portal, which defines itself as follows: We believe that purpose and performance are an integrated journey. Since 2013, we have pioneered the transformation and peak performance of individuals, teams, and organizations. As the inventors of virtual coaching and the world’s largest mental health and coaching startup, we develop and strengthen the mindsets, skills, and behaviors that help people reach their full potential in work, life, and everything they do.
The author is Elizabeth Perry, ACC. d Elizabeth Perry is Coach Community Manager at BetterUp. She uses strategic engagement strategies to cultivate a learning community within a global network of coaches through in-person and virtual experiences, technology platforms, and strategic collaborations with the coaching industry.
With over three years of coaching experience and a certification in Transformational Leadership and Life Coaching from Sofia University, Elizabeth leverages her background in transpersonal psychology to help coaches and clients understand their behavior and thinking patterns, discover their purpose and passions, and realize their potential. She is a lifelong student of psychology, personal growth, and human potential, as well as an ICF-certified ACC Transpersonal Life and Leadership Coach.
Why is advice important?
What to do to give the best advice to friends
What not to do when giving advice
How to receive advice with gratitude
The importance of being there for your friends
Advice in good times and bad
Receiving advice from friends, family, or coworkers can give you the boost you need to solve a problem or get out of a rough patch.
Maybe you’re having a tough time at work, need career advice, or just want a second opinion on a new paint color for your bedroom. Sometimes you can decide which direction to take on your own. Other times, you might need help from someone whose opinion you trust.
Giving good advice about friendship and taking the time to actively listen is an art.
Like everything, it takes practice. But if you put in the effort to learn how to share and receive wisdom, you will forge lasting friendships.
Why is advice important?
Advice is important because it helps you find new ideas when you need to solve a problem.
From time to time, you need to hear a different perspective. The personal wisdom of a friend provides valuable, often objective, perspectives that help you overcome challenges and move forward in times of confusion or distress.
Sometimes it can be scary to ask someone’s opinion, even a good friend’s.
Depending on the situation, you may feel vulnerable or even embarrassed. Asking for advice can bruise your ego or stir up feelings of shame.
But asking for advice doesn’t mean you’re not a confident person. In fact, it can be an important part of the decision-making process and is a great way to build more trust in your personal and professional relationships.
Hearing new perspectives and sharing your own opinions stimulates learning, information sharing, and deeper connections—fundamental pillars of healthy friendships.
Those who ask for advice leave a strong impression and are perceived as smarter.
Whether you’re talking to a colleague, a mentor, or a friend, asking for advice will help you and the person you’re talking to grow.
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Building meaningful relationships takes skill.
What to do to give the best advice to your friends
Learning to be a better friend that people turn to for advice takes care and practice.
You must develop your empathy and honesty—two skills you can cultivate and develop.
Here are some friendship goals you can work toward when exchanging advice, whether helping a new friend, family member, or close confidant.
- Make sure they ask for your advice
Not every problem deserves advice. Sometimes, people simply need to vent to someone they trust, like a good friend or a trusted coworker.
Before sharing your wisdom, pay attention to their body language and tone.
Don’t be afraid to ask if they just need to express themselves or if they genuinely want to hear your opinion.
Being attentive shows that you respect boundaries and are willing to provide support in whatever way feels most comfortable.
- Use your body language
This person has come to you because they believe you’ll be a good listener. Use your body language to let them know they have your full attention.
Eye contact, for example, is an active listening technique that activates the mirror limbic system, causing people’s brain neurons to mimic each other’s; that is, if they feel something, you will feel it too.
This can deepen the mutual connection and make your friend feel safe and secure.
- Ask thoughtful questions
As your friend explains the situation, ask good questions that require more than simple «yes» or «no» answers.
These are also known as open-ended questions. They invite conversation and help both you and the person you’re talking to better understand what’s going on.
Here are some thoughtful questions you can ask:
– Why do you think this situation is affecting you?
– What can I do to help you?
– If I were you, what advice would you give me?
- Be honest
It doesn’t matter if you don’t have the answer, but be sure to tell your friend.
Understand the difference between brainstorming solutions together and filling the silence with useless advice. In this case, your advice may simply be to seek answers from someone who can better relate to their experience or, in some cases, offer a professional opinion.
For example, if your friend is going through a breakup or has lost a job that is causing more serious issues with their well-being or mental health, suggesting they seek help from a mental health professional is one of the best pieces of advice you can give them.
- Keep an Open Mind
Having an open mind means being willing to admit when you’re wrong, listen to new solutions, and adapt to dynamic situations.
Approach advice with a positive mental attitude that allows for new ideas and encourages your friend to consider all their options. Remember that your advice isn’t about you, it’s about them. Don’t let your perspective limit you.
- Evaluate the Possibilities Together
Everyone has their own experiences, and sharing yours is a great way to find new solutions to problems. Try evaluating different outcomes and problem-solving strategies as a team.
By reflecting, new ideas and solutions may emerge that you wouldn’t otherwise think of.
What Not to Do When Giving Advice
Bad advice, or advice given with a bad attitude, can make things worse for your friend, coworker, or family member.
Here are some things to avoid when giving advice.
- Ignore Your Biases
We all have implicit biases that, if left unchecked, can negatively affect your communication and decision-making process.
Overcoming your own biases requires humility, reflection, and collaboration.
When advising your friends, be curious rather than narrow-minded, encourage reflection, and pay attention to the verbal and nonverbal cues they are giving you.
This way, you’ll be able to recognize and overcome your biases to have a more open conversation.
- Gossip Afterward
Both positive and negative gossip can reflect poorly on you.
Sharing other people’s problems without their consent can make you seem like a bad friend. Your friend has come to you because they value and trust your judgment, so don’t break that trust.
Gossiping about their situation with another group of friends, on social media, or in any other public space could make them feel worse, or even cost you their friendship.
- Compare Them to Others
Everyone has different experiences, thought processes, and life circumstances.
Telling the person asking for your advice to be more like someone else, or comparing their situation to yours when it’s not warranted, is not helpful.
It could belittle them or make them feel like they’re not good enough.
- Act Like a Savior
Your role isn’t to make all of your friend’s problems go away, even if you’d like to. It’s up to them to ask for your advice and follow it if they want to.
Give them the support they need to weigh all the possibilities and make the best decision for themselves.
Try not to tell them exactly what to do and recognize that you can’t solve all their problems.
- Be Critical
Your friend likely has strong feelings and emotions about what’s happening in their life. Judging isn’t helpful and can send people spiraling out of control.
Critical social exchanges have been proven to lead to psychological distress and low self-esteem.
Avoid telling your friend they’re being overly emotional, irrational, dramatic, or sensitive. It invalidates their feelings and causes unnecessary stress, especially if they’re easily overwhelmed.
- Leverage Conversation
Reflecting on your own experiences can demonstrate empathy and establish a shared experience.
Your friend might even feel more open to sharing if they know you’ve been through a similar situation.
But their problem isn’t a conversation starter. Even if they ask you to share their experience, be sure to get back on topic and focus on your friend.
For example: “Setting boundaries with my friend was really hard. But the thing is, it was turning into a toxic friendship, and I had to make space for myself. You’re a strong person, and I know you can do the same. What boundaries do you want to set with him?”
How to Receive Advice with Gratitude
Sometimes when you ask for advice, you hear a new idea or face a part of the situation you didn’t expect.
While this can be good, it can also be discouraging. You may realize you’re wrong or that the problem is deeper than you thought.
Remember that the person giving you advice cares about you.
Here are some tips for receiving advice with gratitude to make the experience as helpful as possible:
- Nothing is written in stone
Take all advice with a grain of salt. Your friends and family aren’t there to tell you exactly what to do, but to offer ideas and help you clarify your thoughts.
Don’t immediately accept ideas you agree with or ignore those that don’t seem right. Think critically about them and how they might help you.
- Disagreement is not the enemy
Your friends or family might ask you additional questions that make you uncomfortable or make you feel criticized.
Remember, they’re probably trying to help you clarify the situation or understand it better. They might even disagree with your position. Conflict can make you feel uncomfortable; it’s natural.
But running away from it doesn’t get you anywhere.
Studies show that having different opinions is healthy and leads to better ideas and creative solutions, especially in the workplace.
If you find yourself feeling defensive, take a break and talk it out. You could make a breakthrough.
- No one has all the answers
You seek advice for one reason: you want help finding a solution to your problem. But you can’t just go to a friend and expect them to fix it for you. Asking for advice is about working together, finding new perspectives, and feeling supported.
You learn more and gain new insights when you approach the conversation with an open mind. Be prepared to evaluate your beliefs, decisions, and mistakes.
The Importance of Being There for Your Friends
A good friendship is so important that just one or two close friends can make you feel the benefits to your mental and physical well-being.
It all comes down to quality: a few close friends and loved ones can drastically influence your overall level of happiness.
Being there when your friends need you has the obvious benefit of making them feel cared for, valued, and validated.
But it can also make you feel more connected to them. Even if you don’t have any advice to give, listening to their problems and offering support can be more than enough.
Advice in Good Times and Bad
Giving advice is a responsibility. When your friends come to you for advice, you demonstrate trust and vulnerability.
Being there for them can strengthen the bond and assures you that they’ll do the same when you have a problem.
Whether they come to you for advice about friendship, family, or work, listen carefully.
Ask questions, think critically and constructively, and discuss ideas together.
Hopefully, you’ll help find a solution. And if not, you’ll build a strong friendship in the process.
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Building meaningful relationships takes skill. Download BetterUp Digital for free and receive personalized strategies from MartyAI to improve your social skills and foster deeper connections with others.
Friendship: How to Give Good Advice to Your Friends
The following contribution is from the self-described website The Hope Line: The Hope Line was founded over 30 years ago by acclaimed youth speaker and radio host Dawson McAllister. What began as a way to support listeners of the Dawson McAllister Live radio show has grown into one of the world’s leading resources for students and young people in crisis. In 2023 alone, The Hope Line received 1.2 million visits, in addition to conducting 20,350 live chats and 2,325 suicide interventions.
I am always encouraged by the number of people who contact me asking how they can help their friends.
I often direct them to my blog because they can find advice on a variety of topics there.
HOW TO GIVE GOOD ADVICE
However, I realize that even people with the best intentions don’t always know how to offer effective advice… in a way that others will actually listen and accept.
Have you ever tried to give someone advice, only to have them ignore you or get really angry with you?
I’ve written this blog to provide some important tips on how to give good, effective advice. This is a crucial starting point, because unless someone actually listens to what you have to say, your advice won’t be effective.
4 Steps to Giving EFFECTIVE Advice
LISTEN.
This is VERY important. Unless a person feels heard and understood, they will never trust your advice.
You must take the time to understand their point of view. Ask questions to show them you really want to understand.
Then, repeat back to them what you heard them say, summarizing: «So, what I hear you saying is… is it true?» This way, you’ll both be sure you’re on the same page and know you understand.
ENCOURAGE HER
This is another important step that can’t be rushed. Before jumping in with any advice, offer some encouragement.
Tell her you believe in her or encourage her that help is available. If you don’t start with encouragement, she may find herself in such a negative situation that she has no hope for things to change.
And then, when you offer advice, she may not feel capable of putting it into practice.
However, offering encouragement opens the door to HOPE
and prepares her to listen to what you have to say. So, find something to encourage her with. You can focus on a past success or her potential.
Or here are some other examples: «Ad
